alex doesn't blog here anymore

The Ultimate Blogging Champion

I guess I deserved this. From BWE:

The Best Of My Best Year Ever

In the year or so since I put down my pen in this particular webspace, the three or four of you still reading this probably know that I've been frittering away my time and (lack of) talent sifting through celebrity trash over at Best Week Ever. While the majority of my days consist of scouring the Webernets for the LATEST! HOTTEST! EXCLUSIVEST! pictures of Lindsay Lohan clipping her toenails, from time to time I produced pieces that made me feel something resembling pride. Here are a few of the things I don't completely regret having my name on:

I blew the lid off the "Joe Rogan is an Insecure Douche" story.
I managed to bring Mr. T into the current political debate over immigrant rights.
I wrote an in-depth analysis of the similarities between the East Coast/West Coast Hip-Hop Feuds of the late 90's and the Squabbling Dumb Whores of today.
I wrote about the Birth of the Messiah.
I selflessly attempted to make sense of the meaning behind Jared Leto's shitty, shitty music.
I met K-Fed.
I found out what those kids from Beverly Hills 901210 are up to these days.
I took a scientific look at the Lifespan of the Party Girl.
I discovered some Random Facts about Jews (according to Mel Gibson).
I intercepted a secret memo from my company Viacom to recently-fired movie star Tom Cruise.
I called "Bullshit!" on Zach Braff.
I introduced Britney Spears fans to Dante.
I talked more shit about Jared Leto.
I signed Lindsay Lohan's cast.
Even more Leto bashing. Wow, I have a problem.
I made the poor decision of imagining a Guide to Sex Positions written by Screech.
I illustrated the differences between child-molesting congressman Mark Foley, Beverly Hills Cop Axel Foley and Professional Wrestler Mick Foley.
I finally brought my Leto Hatred to the point of orgasm.
I went to the Woodies, got to meet Beck, and witness Jared Leto's douchebaggery in person.
I brought the plight of Tara Reid to the attention of the world.
I broke the exclusive tracklisting of the Lohan Christmas Album.
I made a campaign ad promoting the consumption of Horse Meat.
I receieved a message from Britney Spears' vagina.
I invented Party Water.

And finally, perhaps best of all:

I got hate mail from Dane Cook.

What a long strange year it's been. So what did I learn? Apparently nothing - other than the fact that I really, really hate Jared Leto.

We'll see how the next year goes (if Jordan Catalano doesn't badass me to death first).

I Still Hate Horses

This Was Inevitable

So my friend Joey Arak, somehow tired of making fun of dumb drunken hipsters on Gawker's Blue States Lose, has handed the reins over to me. Starting this week (in which we split the duties), I'll be writing a new BSL every Friday afternoon. Man, I've been waiting my whole life for this!

Also, the first person who can find my tiny 100-word blurb in the next issue of Spin Magazine gets a special prize!

And I'm still writing every day at Best Week Ever, in case you're looking for me.

ps. I think I'm gonna write an actual post around here pretty soon, just for the 12 or so of you who still bother to check in.

K-Fed and Comedy

At the very end of this montage of moronism from K-Fed's paid charity appearance in Times Square yesterday, yours truly had the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to ask Captain Cornrows some one-on-one questions for Best Week Ever. His team of angry PR flacks made my desire to openly ridicule him next to impossible, but hey, it's not every day you get to meet your heroes.

ALSO: I'm doing the Greg Johnson Show at Rififi again this Friday night, June 23rd, at 8:30pm. I'll be performing with the legendary Eugene Mirman, whose latest comedy album was just released on Sub Pop records - as well as Brian Kiley, a writer for Conan O'Brien who has also appeared on Letterman and Leno. This is my first show in weeks, so come see me choke!

Greg Johnson
w/Alex Blagg, Eugene Mirman, and Brian Kiley (NBC, CBS)!
THIS Friday (6/23)
8:00 open
8:30-9:30
Rififi/Cinema Classics
332 E11th Street (btw 1st and 2nd)
New York, NY 10003
Free! 21+
$3 PBR
Followed by Trash! at 10

Sometimes My Job Is Fun

Here's a little video I did yesterday for the BWE blog - enjoy!

Fear and Loathing and Free Ice Cream

Like so many other Americans, yesterday I did my duty and showed up to support the Ben & Jerry's Free Cone Day, and my own ice cream habit. When I arrived at the tie-dyed ice cream parlor on 8th Avenue at 43rd Street, I was unsurprised by the scene that greeted me: hundreds of hungry frozen treat lovers were waiting in line to be herded towards the sweet gratis goodness that awaited them indoors...

For but a few moments, all was well: the pleasant weather, the aroma of waffle cones wafting through the air, and the comforting knowledge that in a matter of minutes, a cold, gooey deliciousness would be making it's way down my throat and into my belly. And then things took a turn for the worse when a Ben & Jerry's employee made the horrible mistake of panhandling for tips during this sacred day of frugality...

While we all thought his loud beggary was both annoying and tacky, a certain Mad Black Woman would have none of it, and thus began serving up a big chocolate-covered sundae of vulgarity and obnoxious protest, repeatedly telling the employee that he should be ashamed of himself for asking us for tips, and that this was precisely why he would be "workin' up at Ben & Jerry's for the rest of yo' life!"

What ensued was a loud and rather unpleasant verbal battle of classy titans, effectively managing to frighten all the children and most of the adults who had the misfortune of being within 200 feet of them....

Once I finally - mercifully - reached the front of the line, I shuddered to find yet another B & J employee making the possibly fatal mistake of soliciting tips. In an act of divine intervention, the loud angry lady behind me had apparently hollered enough for one afternoon...

And as I was leaving, it dawned on me why the ice cream scoopers were so aggressively seeking their gratuity - they were fending off the stiff competition from the greedy "charity people" trying to hone in on their precious nickles and dimes...